The Power of Homework in Couples Therapy: Building Connection and Communication Outside of Sessions
It is rather common for clients, whether they are couples or individuals, to think that therapy just includes talking during the session time. While lots of talking does happen during the session, effective therapy should also include homework. Homework in therapy works the same way homework does at school. Homework is practice to help you, whether you are a client, an athlete or a high school student, learn a new skill more proficiently.
As a licensed couples therapist, I assign a lot of homework from a variety of sources. I use books, smartphone apps, podcasts and YouTube videos. I also assign think tank/brainstorming sessions and fun activities.
When I am working with a couple who is learning more effective communication skills, I will ask them to review Dr. John Gottman's 4 part series on YouTube on Making Relationships Work. I ask each partner to write down what he or she does well and not so well. I will also ask them to purchase The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (also by Dr. Gottman) and to read a chapter a week. After I teach couples how to use therapeutic soft start ups, I ask clients to practice soft start ups between sessions on non-conflict topics, like butter pecan ice-cream. Lastly, I ask couples to brainstorm what would be a good repair attempt for each partner to use in the middle of an argument. When couples struggle with handling stressors from outside of the relationship or family I ask them to practice the stress reducing conversation dos and don’ts I’ve taught them in session.
When I am working with couples who would like to improve their love maps, I ask them to download the Gottman Card Deck on their smartphone and do 10 love map questions and 10 open ended questions each. This is the only time I allow couples to keep score…because I want to know who knows more about their partner! When I am working with couples to enrich their fondness and admiration system or increase positive sentiment, I often ask each partner to secretly do the Catch Your Partner Pleasing You Activity to see if each partner can catch the random act of kindness their partner did for them. I sometimes also ask clients to give their partner 1 genuine complement during the week. Couples tend to really enjoy these homework assignments.
When couples are struggling to make a bid to each other for connection, attention, conversation, affection, etc, I assign 1 partner to make a clear, overt and fun bid to their partner. These fun bids include going for a walk, a bike ride, or out for ice-cream. The other partner’s assignment is to accept or turn towards (not away from) the bid. The following week, the partners reverse their homework roles. Client’s like this homework assignment also because it feels good to be pursued by your partner.
Some couples get very caught up in their careers, chores and the kids and forget to have fun. Oftentimes, the couples’ relationship will get sacrificed and end up on the back burner. So, later on in the therapy I will give them the homework assignment to have fun. This can be a date night, cheese and crackers in front of the fireplace after the kids go to bed, a drive to watch the sunset, etc. I like to build on this homework assignment when couples are lacking rituals of connection. Another homework assignment that accompanies this principle is assigning a think tank session for the couple to come up with a ritual of connection for their relationship that can be a consistent and predictable private time for the couple each week.
When couples are working on improving passion, romance, quality of sex or frequency of sex, I ask couples to read a chapter a week in Gott Sex? The Art and Science of Love Making by The Gottman Institute. Of course, there may be other assignments along the way, depending on what the exact sexual issue is. Lastly, I ask couples to use their Gottman Card Deck app again for 2 more homework assignments. I ask them to use 1 of the mild, medium or hot salsa cards. I also ask them to work with the Sex Questions To Ask A Man and Sex Questions To Ask A Woman.
When a couple is graduating from therapy I ask them to listen to the Small Things Often podcast and/or the Marriage Therapy Radio whenever they have a quiet moment.
As you can see, not only does homework in couple therapy assist in learning new skills by offering practice between sessions, it can be enlightening and fun for the couple. Homework time is a ritual of connection all by itself! Lastly, it is important to remember that the information in this blog is only regarding homework assignments, it does not cover all of the other material covered during the weekly session time.
To learn more about homework for couples who are healing from the trauma of infidelity, check out the blog What Does Homework Look Like For A Couple Healing From The Trauma Of Infidelity?
Homework in couples therapy is much more than an extension of the session—it’s an opportunity for couples to deepen their connection, improve communication, and rebuild trust in a fun, engaging way. From practicing soft start-ups to reigniting romance, these tasks give couples practical ways to apply what they’ve learned and create lasting change. If you and your partner are ready to enhance your relationship, Thrive for Life Counseling offers virtual therapy tailored to your needs. Our skilled therapists are available to help couples from Indiana, Illinois, Florida, New Hampshire, and New Jersey. Contact us today for a consultation or appointment to start your journey toward a stronger, healthier relationship. We accept most major insurance plans, making our services accessible to you. Let’s thrive together!