Healing After Infidelity: Couples Therapy Homework to Rebuild Trust

Couples therapy is not just about what happens in the session—it extends beyond the hour-long conversation. For couples healing from the trauma of infidelity, recovery requires intentional work, which includes meaningful homework assignments that promote trust, communication, and emotional healing. At Thrive for Life Counseling, we believe in empowering couples with practical tools they can use outside of therapy to rebuild their relationship. In this blog, we’ll explore what homework looks like for couples navigating the complex emotions and challenges of infidelity recovery, and how it plays a vital role in their healing journey.

It is rather common for clients, whether they are couples or individuals, to think that therapy just includes talking during the session time.  While lots of talking does happen during the session, effective therapy should also include homework.  Homework in therapy works the same way homework does at school.  Homework is practice to help you, whether you are a client, an athlete or a high school student, learn a new skill more proficiently.

As a licensed couples therapist, I assign a lot of homework from a variety of sources.  I use books, webpages, smartphone apps, podcasts and movies.  I also assign think tank/brainstorming sessions and thoughtful writing assignments. 

The first homework assignments couples healing from the trauma of an infidelity include sexual transmitted infection testing and pregnancy testing (if applicable).  If trauma symptoms are bothersome, I also teach therapeutic deep breathing and ask the betrayed partner to practice 10 repetitions of deep breathing 3 times a day.

If the betraying partner is struggling with understanding the betrayed partner’s trauma reactions, I ask the betraying partner to do the PTSD Research and Consultation homework assignment with the betrayed partner.  This is where the betraying partner can learn about post-traumatic stress disorder symptomology from a reputable .org or .gov website and schedule a consultation with the betrayed partner so that partner can verify which symptoms she/he has or has had.  This assignment can be an eye opener for both partners. 

When anger behaviors are high, I will ask the betrayed partner to write in an Angry Journal every day, send himself/herself an Angry Email each night or leave this therapist the Angry Voice Dump on her voicemail.  The anger journal or email is preferred as the betrayed partner will have that information to reference for future homework assignments.  This assignment helps the betraying partner to not feel too overwhelmed by the betrayed’s anger…you don’t want to run the risk of that partner dropping out of therapy.  The betrayer is the healer afterall.    

At the beginning of therapy, I ask both partners to read a chapter a week in NOT Just Friends:  Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass.  I also give the partners a list of reputable online resources for support and ask them to review just 1 of the sites.    

Also early on in the therapy, I ask the betraying partner to make a clear, overt and fun bid to the betrayed partner.  These fun bids can include going for a walk, a bike ride or out for ice-cream.  The betrayed partner’s assignment is to accept or turn towards (not away from) the bid.  The following week, the partners reverse their homework roles.  This assignment is designed so that the betraying partner consciously shows that he or she is making bids to the primary partner and not the affair partner.  When discussing the impact of the infidelity, I ask each partner to write an Impact Statement as a homework assignment that will be read at the next couples session.

When I am working with couples to enrich their fondness and admiration system or increase positive sentiment, I often ask each partner to secretly do the Catch Your Partner Pleasing You Activity to see if each partner can catch the random act of kindness their partner did for them.  I sometimes also ask clients to give their partner 1 genuine complement during the week.  Couples tend to really enjoy these homework assignments.

After discussing what an apology is and isn’t, I ask each partner to write out a formal apology to the other that will be read at the following session.  Forgiveness work immediately follows the apologies.  I ask each partner to read a chapter a week in How Can I Forgive You?  The Courage To Forgive, The Freedom Not To by Dr. Janis Abrahms-Spring.  I also ask the betrayed partner to do the If I Forgive Then writing assignment and The Forgiveness Exercise for homework.  Lastly, during the forgiveness phase of therapy, I ask the partners to watch the movie Diary Of A Mad Black Woman as it has 2 story lines about the path to forgiveness.  

When couples are working on improving passion, romance, quality of sex or frequency of sex, I ask couples to read a chapter a week in Gott Sex?  The Art and Science of Love Making by The Gottman Institute.  Of course, there may be other assignments along the way, depending on what the exact sexual issue is.  Lastly, I ask couples to use their Gottman Card Deck app again for 2 more homework assignments.  I ask them to use 1 of the mild, medium or hot salsa cards.  I also ask them to work with the Sex Questions To Ask A Man and Sex Questions To Ask A Woman.

When the couple is close to successfully completing therapy, I ask them to write their New Monogamy Agreement that includes their definition of infidelity, boundaries of fidelity, the warning signs of future infidelity and how they will alert their primary partner if there is a breach.

Lastly, it is important to remember that the information in this blog is only regarding homework assignments, it does not cover all of the other material covered during the weekly session time.

To learn more about homework in traditional couples therapy, check out the blog What Does Homework Look Like in Traditional Couples Therapy?

Rebuilding a relationship after infidelity is a difficult but achievable goal with the right guidance and support. Homework assignments, like those outlined above, offer couples valuable opportunities to grow together, practice healthier communication, and rebuild trust. If you and your partner are struggling with the aftermath of infidelity or other relationship challenges, consider reaching out to Thrive for Life Counseling. Our licensed therapists are experienced in couples therapy, conflict resolution, and trauma healing, and we provide 100% virtual therapy services to clients in Indiana, Illinois, Florida, New Hampshire, and New Jersey. Contact us today to schedule a consultation and take the first step toward healing and reconnecting.