What Good Couples Therapy Looks Like

With 25 years of experience as a licensed marriage and family therapist, Marilyn Verbiscer has become a trusted expert in helping individuals, couples, and families navigate the complexities of relationships. Her extensive experience, deep understanding of human behavior, and compassionate approach have made her a sought-after professional in the field, guiding countless clients toward healthier, more fulfilling lives. In today's blog, Marilyn shares more about what you can look forward to in couples therapy.

In couples therapy, there is a 3 session assessment period.  At the first session I will be meeting with both partners and asking a lot of questions about the history of the relationship.  We will start with when and how the couple met, what the dating years were like, the decision to marry, the proposal, the wedding, the reception, the honeymoon, first year adjustments, when the kids came along, the adjustment to parenthood, the good times, the hard time and the strengths as a couple.  There will be very little problem talk at the first session, intentionally.  I will also be discussing the online couples assessment called the Gottman Relationship CheckUp that was created by The Gottman Institute.

The Gottman Relationship CheckUp is a research based online assessment based on the findings of 5 decades of research into what works for couples and what does not.  It is very thorough as it asks each partner to answer 300+ questions that assess for:

• how well each partner feels known by the other, 

• the fondness and admiration system in the relationship,

• turning towards behaviors for each partner,

• satisfaction with passion, romance, quality and frequency of sex,

• emotional disengagement,

• trust,

• commitment,

• the expression and exploration of emotions,

• how communication and conflict are handled,

• whether soft start-ups or harsh start-ups exist in the couples communication style,

• which of the 4 horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling) might be present, 

• whether either partner becomes flooded during arguments,

• how well the partners are accepting influence,

• whether compromise is a strength,

• whether each partner experiences negative or positive sentiment toward the other partner or the relationship,

• repair attempts,

• the presence of gridlock on perpetual issues in the relationship,

• the impact of family of origin and extended family,

• how the couple handles stress from outside the relationship,

• jealousy,

• whether infidelity has occurred,

• how the couple manages household chores and childcare, 

• how financial issues may be impacting the couple,

• whether the couple is still having fun in the relationship,

• issues with spiritual connection, 

• rituals of connections,

• shared meaning, 

• and individual concerns such as depression and anxiety.

Because of the wealth of information this assessment offers, it is strongly encouraged that each partner takes the assessment, but it is not a requirement for the couple to continue in couples therapy.   If the couple chooses to take the online couples assessment, I will have about 30 pages of recommendations from The Gottman Institute.

I will be meeting with only 1 partner at the second session so that partner has the floor, uninterrupted, without the fear of angering or hurting the other partner.  My assessment will continue but it will be focused around the individual.  This part of the assessment period includes information about the individual’s areas of the individual’s life affected by the presenting problem (sleep, appetite, self-esteem, anxiety, depression, etc), the individual’s family of origin, their thoughts on the relationship, the immediate family, their strengths and support system.  At the third session, I will meet with the other partner for all the same reasons.

At the fourth session, often referred to as the feedback session, I will have a LOT of data from the initial couples session, both individual sessions and hopefully, The Gottman Relationship Check-Up.  At this session, I give the couple a LOT of feedback and provide my recommendations based on the data and the couple’s goals.  

Couples entering therapy often wonder how many sessions it will take to achieve their relationship goals. While the number of sessions can vary based on the complexity of the issues, research suggests that many couples experience significant improvement within 10 to 20 sessions. Short-term goals, such as improving communication or resolving a specific conflict, may be reached within 6 to 12 sessions, whereas more deeply-rooted challenges, such as rebuilding trust after infidelity, may require a longer commitment. Ultimately, the number of sessions needed depends on the couple's dedication to the process and the specific dynamics of their relationship.

As you and your partner navigate the challenges of your relationship, remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. By committing to open communication and professional guidance, you can build a stronger, more resilient bond. Don’t wait for issues to escalate—take the first step toward healing and growth today. Reach out to schedule a session with Marilyn and work together to reignite the connection that brought you together.