The Power of Soft Start-Ups in Relationships

Using a soft or gentle start up when discussing difficult topics with your significant other can help you avoid being critical or contemptuous.  This will help you talk about your own feelings using therapeutic “I” statements to express how you feel when a specific event happens and what you need.  Consider this very harsh start up:  “You never put the toilet seat down.”  On the other hand, a good soft start up looks like this from the speaker:

I feel (use 1 word, name 1 emotion, not a thought, do not use the work “like”) 

when I (name the event, do not say the word “you”) .

I need or want (tell partner what you want or need, not what you do not want) .

So, in keeping with the previous example, the soft start-up would look like this:  

“I feel unheard 

when I see the toilet seat left up.  

I really do need the toilet seat to be down”.

Here are a few other tips:

- Avoid the word “you” at all costs.  It is blaming and finger pointing.  

- Do not use the words “always” or “never” as they are critical words.  

- Only use 1 emotion after “I feel”.  

- “I feel that” is always a thought, not a feeling.  

- Shorter sentences are better.  It is just a start up…the first 2 sentences of a conflict topic.  It is not the entire argument.

- Choose the feeling word that best describes how you feel.  Do not use blanket feeling words such as “frustrated” or “upset”.  For example, the word upset does not tell anyone what the feeling is that is leading you to be upset.  Are you upset because of anger?  Are you upset because of sadness?  Unclear feeling words are counterproductive and unfair to the listener.  

Then it becomes the other partner’s turn to respond.  Here is what a great response looks like:  

It makes sense to me that you feel (use a different word to describe the feeling word that was used)                                                                                                                    because I felt that way when (name a time when you felt that way outside of the relationship).

In keeping with the soft start up from above, here is an example of a soft response.  

“It makes sense to me that you feel unimportant because I have felt that way when my boss does not listen to what I have to say in meetings.”

It is important for the responder to listen carefully and then use a different word (synonym) to describe the feeling the speaker talked about.  The partner does not need a parrot, the partner needs to know the listener really got it.  The responder then talks about a time he or she felt that way outside of the relationship to further show the partner that he or she understands.  This could be an example from the family of origin, childhood, friendship group, co-workers, the boss, neighbors, etc.  Do not use an example from inside the marriage as you will be arguing about that next.

Try the soft start up and soft response with your partner and let me know how it goes!

Using soft start-ups and gentle responses can be a game-changer for couples who want to improve communication, reduce conflict, and build a stronger foundation of trust and respect. If you’re ready to bring these skills into your relationship, Thrive for Life Counseling can help. Our therapists, serving clients in Indiana, Illinois, Florida, New Hampshire, and New Jersey, are experienced in virtual counseling and provide support for anxiety, ADHD, depression, couples therapy, and more—all from the comfort and privacy of your home. Take the first step today: reach out for a consultation or appointment and start your journey toward a healthier relationship.