Strengthening Your Relationship: The Power of Turning Towards Each Other
The Key to Relationship Success: Turning Towards Instead of Away
Building a strong and lasting relationship requires intentional effort, and one of the most crucial principles for success is learning to "turn towards" your partner instead of turning away. Developed by renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, this concept is a core principle from his groundbreaking research on what makes relationships work.
Gottman’s research followed newlyweds over six years and found that couples who remained together responded to each other’s bids for attention, affection, and connection 86% of the time. In contrast, couples who divorced only turned towards each other 33% of the time. This striking difference highlights the importance of consistently nurturing emotional bonds through small, everyday interactions (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
By understanding and implementing this simple yet powerful principle, couples can enhance communication, reduce conflict, and foster a deeper emotional connection. Whether you're navigating the challenges of marriage, seeking couples therapy, or looking to strengthen your bond, prioritizing this practice can significantly improve relationship satisfaction.
Understanding Bids for Connection
To effectively turn towards your partner, you must first recognize what Gottman refers to as "bids for connection." A bid is any attempt to gain attention, affirmation, or emotional support from a partner. These bids can be direct, such as "Would you like to go for a walk after dinner?" or more subtle, like mentioning a conversation with a family member in hopes of eliciting a response.
Research shows that women tend to make more bids than men, but in the healthiest relationships, both partners feel comfortable initiating and responding to bids. Recognizing and responding positively to these bids is key to fostering intimacy and trust in any relationship.
The Impact of Turning Away vs. Turning Towards
When a partner ignores or dismisses a bid, they are turning away, which can be damaging to the relationship. Over time, this pattern can lead to emotional distance, resentment, and a decline in relationship satisfaction. In fact, turning away can be even more harmful than outright rejection because it signals disinterest or emotional neglect.
On the other hand, turning towards a partner’s bid reinforces emotional security and strengthens the relationship. Even a small acknowledgment—such as making eye contact, offering a thoughtful response, or engaging in the conversation—can significantly impact relationship health.
How to Cultivate the Habit of Turning Towards
Increase Awareness of Bids – Make a conscious effort to recognize when your partner is seeking connection. You can even verbalize it by saying, “I’m making a bid for your attention now.”
Prioritize Attentiveness – Be present in your interactions, whether through active listening, physical gestures, or verbal affirmations.
Respond with Interest – Even if you’re busy or distracted, acknowledge your partner’s bid and express a willingness to engage.
Practice Consistency – The more you turn towards each other, the stronger your bond becomes. Small, daily moments of connection are the foundation of a healthy relationship.
Seek Support if Needed – If patterns of turning away have developed, couples therapy can provide guidance in rebuilding emotional connection.
Strengthen Your Relationship with Virtual Counseling
If you and your partner struggle with communication or emotional connection, virtual couples therapy can help. At Thrive for Life Counseling, our licensed therapists specialize in marriage counseling, therapy for anxiety, ADHD, depression, pre- and postpartum support, and counseling for teens and children. We provide 100% virtual therapy services for clients in Indiana, Illinois, Florida, and New Jersey, accepting most major insurance plans.
Strengthening your relationship starts with small, meaningful changes. If you’re ready to deepen your connection and build a healthier relationship, contact Thrive for Life Counseling today to schedule a consultation or appointment.
References: Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.