Shrekking in Dating: Why Dating for Power Instead of Partnership Backfires
A new dating trend circulating on social media, often referred to as shrekking, describes the intentional practice of “dating down” in order to maintain control in a relationship. The idea behind shrekking is that choosing a partner perceived as below one’s standards will create a power advantage. The expectation is that the other person will feel grateful, work harder to please, and be less likely to leave.
While this dynamic may initially feel safer or more secure, shrekking often leads to relationship dissatisfaction, resentment, and unexpected breakups. At Thrive for Life Counseling, we frequently see individuals and couples seeking online therapy or virtual therapy for counseling who are struggling with power imbalances, insecurity, anxiety, and relationship distress tied to these patterns.
What Is Shrekking?
Shrekking refers to deliberately dating someone you believe is inferior to you in appearance, social status, income, popularity, career, or other perceived measures of desirability. The goal is not compatibility or mutual growth, but control. When someone believes they have the “upper hand,” they may feel less pressure to invest emotionally, communicate openly, or work through conflict.
This is different from healthy compromise, taking time to get to know someone, or looking beyond surface-level traits. Shrekking is intentional. It involves entering a relationship with the belief that you are more valuable and therefore entitled to greater power.
In couples therapy and marriage therapy, this dynamic often surfaces as emotional distance, chronic dissatisfaction, or repeated relationship breakdowns.
Why Do People Engage in Shrekking?
The primary motivation behind shrekking is the desire to feel superior, secure, and in control. For some, it is a way to avoid fear of rejection or abandonment. Dating someone perceived as “less desirable” may feel safer than risking vulnerability with an equal or someone they view as more attractive or successful.
Underlying this behavior are often deeper emotional struggles, including low self-esteem, anxiety, attachment insecurity, or past relational trauma. In some cases, individuals seeking therapy for anxiety, ADHD, or depression discover that shrekking functions as an avoidance strategy that temporarily reduces emotional risk while ultimately increasing loneliness.
The False Assumptions Behind Shrekking
Shrekking relies on several flawed assumptions. One is that there is a universal dating hierarchy that everyone agrees upon. In reality, attraction and desirability are highly subjective. People value different things such as personality, values, emotional availability, lifestyle, physical attraction, and long-term goals.
Another assumption is that everyone accurately knows where they rank in this imagined hierarchy. In truth, people often misjudge their own desirability. Some overestimate it, while others underestimate it. Dating apps frequently reinforce these distortions, especially among college students and young adults navigating college stress and identity development.
Without mutual agreement about power and expectations, relationships built on assumed superiority are unstable from the start.
Shrekking Ignores Change Over Time
One of the biggest risks of shrekking is the belief that nothing will change. Over time, factors like appearance, health, income, career status, confidence, and personal growth evolve. As relationships deepen, superficial traits often become less important than emotional safety, respect, and compatibility.
If a relationship is built primarily on a power imbalance, changes in circumstances can quickly destabilize it. When the perceived hierarchy shifts, there may be little emotional foundation left to sustain the connection. This is a common issue explored in couples counseling online and virtual therapy for counseling.
Healthy Relationships Are About Fit and Equality
Relationships are healthiest when they are grounded in mutual respect, shared values, and emotional reciprocity. While some people may willingly accept unequal dynamics, problems arise when one partner believes they are superior while the other expects partnership and effort.
If you notice a pattern of needing the upper hand in relationships, it may be helpful to explore why equality feels threatening. Therapy can help uncover the underlying fears driving these choices and support the development of healthier, more secure connections.
Without this insight, repeated shrekking can lead to cycles of resentment, emotional withdrawal, and painful breakups.
Conclusion
Shrekking may promise control and security, but it often results in unstable, unsatisfying relationships. Lasting connection comes from equality, respect, and emotional honesty. Therapy can help individuals and couples understand unhealthy dating patterns and build relationships rooted in trust rather than power.
If you are struggling with relationship dynamics, anxiety, depression, ADHD, or recurring dating challenges, Thrive for Life Counseling is here to help. We offer affordable online counseling through 100 percent virtual therapy via secure video or phone sessions. Our therapists provide online therapy in Indiana, Illinois, Florida, Missouri, and New Jersey. We work with individuals, couples, college students, children & teens, and those navigating major life transitions, and we accept most major insurance plans.
To schedule a consultation or appointment, reach out to Thrive for Life Counseling and take the next step toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Connect With Thrive for Life Counseling
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thriveforlifecounseling/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thriveforlifecounseling
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thriveforlifecounseling
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@thriveforlifeonlinecounsel9146
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/thriveforlifecounseling
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/thrive-for-life-counseling-llc/