Pocketing in Relationships: What It Is and How to Address It

In today’s digital dating world, terms like “ghosting,” “breadcrumbing,” and “pocketing” have become part of everyday relationship conversations. Pocketing — also known as stashing — happens when one partner hides the other from their friends, family, and social circles. While keeping things private early on can feel normal, continued secrecy can create anxiety, confusion, and emotional distress. At Thrive for Life Counseling, we help individuals and couples navigate these challenges through online therapy, virtual therapy for counseling, and couples therapy online in Indiana, Illinois, Florida, Missouri, and New Jersey.

Understanding Pocketing in Relationships

Pocketing refers to a situation where one partner keeps the other “hidden” — avoiding introductions to friends, colleagues, and family members. This can look like avoiding public displays of affection, never sharing photos on social media, or always making excuses when it’s time to meet loved ones. Sometimes the pocketing partner will be honest, saying things like, “Let’s not tell anyone yet,” or, in more troubling cases, “I don’t want my spouse to find out.”

This behavior can leave the pocketed partner feeling like an “insignificant other.” Over time, pocketing can lead to feelings of insecurity, confusion, and a lack of trust. It may also prevent a relationship from deepening and growing, leaving one partner feeling isolated and unfulfilled.

Why People Engage in Pocketing

There are many reasons why a person might engage in pocketing:

• Keeping Options Open – Some individuals may want to continue dating others or already have a committed partner.

• Fear of Rejection – Worrying about judgment from friends, family, or social circles can prevent someone from introducing their partner.

• Relationship Ambivalence – Uncertainty about the relationship’s future or compatibility can make one hesitant to go public.

• Desire for Independence – Those with avoidant attachment styles may worry that public acknowledgment means losing autonomy.

Often, pocketing has more to do with the pocketing partner’s insecurities or fears than with the partner being hidden.

Effects of Being Pocketed

Being pocketed can cause significant emotional pain. The person on the receiving end may feel anxious, question their worth, and experience symptoms similar to anxiety or depression. They might even internalize the pocketing behavior as a reflection of their own value. Left unaddressed, these feelings can affect mental health, lead to conflict, and reduce overall relationship satisfaction.

How to Handle Pocketing

If you suspect you are being pocketed, open and honest communication is key. Approach the conversation with curiosity rather than accusation, and express how the situation is impacting your feelings and sense of connection. If your partner cannot address your concerns or refuses to make changes, it may be time to consider whether the relationship aligns with your needs and values.

For those who are doing the pocketing, self-reflection is crucial. Explore why you are keeping the relationship private and whether fear, ambivalence, or past wounds are influencing your choices. Working with a therapist can help uncover and address these underlying concerns.

Conclusion 

Everyone deserves to feel valued and acknowledged in their relationship. If you are struggling with pocketing, relationship anxiety, or uncertainty about your partner’s commitment, virtual therapy can provide the support you need. Thrive for Life Counseling offers affordable online counseling, therapy for anxiety, therapy for depression, and couples counseling online for clients in Indiana, Illinois, Florida, Missouri, and New Jersey. Our sessions are 100% virtual — convenient and confidential from the comfort of your home — and we accept most major insurance plans.

Take the first step toward clarity and emotional well-being. consultation with one of our therapists today.

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