Overcoming the Challenges of Growing Up with Emotionally Immature Parents
Introduction
In today's fast-paced world, resilience is key to maintaining mental health and well-being. Emotionally Immature Parents are something we have to be resilient against to preserve physical and mental health and happiness. There are many types of emotionally immature parents and they come to be that way for several reasons, some of which are seen and some of which are unseen. The most known types of emotionally immature parents are the emotional parent, the driven parent, the passive parent, and the rejecting parent. We’re going to talk through each type as well as some solutions or simple things you can do to maintain your peace of mind as you cope with your emotionally immature parents.
The Emotional Parent
The Emotional Parent is a type of parent who puts themselves first. The parent who when you vent about a long day, a mean person, or a hard teacher turns the focus on themselves instead and vents ten times longer and louder about their day and the things they had to go through. They play the victim time and time again. When their child begins to realize they don’t want to deal with this behavior or treatment anymore, the parent doubles down on acting as if they are the victim being tossed away despite “everything they’ve done”. You can cope with this parent by remembering that their actions do not define who you are. You are not incorrectly treating them, you are not taking the spotlight away by trying to express your emotions, and you and your feelings matter even when your parent makes you feel otherwise (The Attachment Project, N.D).
The Driven Parents
The Driven Parent is a parent who pushes their children to the limits, even if it means breaking them down. This parent will never achieve true satisfaction from their child no matter how much time and energy their child puts in. In turn, the child places beyond high standards on themselves and is always faced with doubt and self-hate when they realize they have not only disappointed themselves but their parents as well. The child or children of this parent can start to experience performance anxiety to an unusual level as well as depression every time they do not do as they were “expected” to do. Dealing with this type of parent often means dealing with constant criticism in every aspect of your life. Take time to pause and self reflect. If you are happy with your life and everything you’ve built and worked for then that's all that matters. Setting boundaries about conversation topics (especially involving criticism of you) is an important step (The Attachment Project, N.D).
The Passive Parent
This is the “best friend” parent. The parent who you as a child would say “But so and so’s parent lets them” and your mother or father would respond with “well, I’m not so and so’s parent.” This parent takes a backseat in parenting and lets the child take the reins. Being less involved is better and gives them more time to work on and worry about themselves. They let their children have and do whatever they want as long as they are not being a bother. Being a teenager with this parent means being able to do whatever you want and as fun as that sounds this behavior shows how little the parent truly cares. Having this type of parent makes connections and relationships platonic or romantic very hard. Remember, just because you grew up with parents who treat you a certain way doesn’t mean every other human being in the world will treat you that way. There are about 7.9 Billion people as of 2022 so I don’t think all 7.9 Billion are going to be like your parents (just for scale) (The Attachment Project, N.D). Seek out others who support you in healthy, non-toxic ways.
The Rejecting Parent
The Rejecting Parent is similar to The Passive Parent but not quite the same. The rejecting parent is comparable to the passive in the sense of their “hands off” approach to being a parent but otherwise, it's relatively different. The rejecting parent will “reject” their children at any chance they can get. They are more of an angry and emotionally unstable parent. They don’t desire to be around their child much since other things can be deemed more important. Some families have fun traditions or hangouts like family game night on Fridays or Saturdays and this parent is the type to do everything to avoid family time or things of that nature. The biggest piece of advice and something I believe should be carried with you is if you grew up with an angry man or woman in the house you will always have an angry man or woman in the house. Make sure you break that cycle for your children and not be the angry man or woman who lives in your children's house forever. Therapy can help you to work through the pain of this parenting style and the lingering impact it can have upon you. (The Attachment Project, N.D)
Further Reading
If this article resonates with you and you suspect that you grew up with an Emotionally Immature Parent, the Thrive team highly recommends the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents” by Lindsay Gibson. This book explores the impact of growing up with emotionally immature parents. The book provides insight into the behaviors and characteristics of such parents, including their inability to empathize, tendency to be self-involved, and often rejecting or distant nature. Gibson guides readers in understanding how these dynamics affect their adult lives and offers strategies for healing, setting boundaries, and developing healthier relationships. The book empowers readers to recognize their own emotional needs and to break free from the lingering effects of their upbringing.
Advice and Conclusion
I sprinkled bits of advice here and there in every paragraph, however, I wanted to share some overall advice especially since I grew up in a household with an emotionally immature parent. There is no such thing as the “perfect parent.” You can only do your best since it is your first time living. Remember that your child has feelings, thoughts, and ideas about how you parent so there will be moments where you disagree and fight - which is normal! The moment you become emotionally immature is when you toss your child's feelings to the side and put your selfish desires before them. Do your best, communicate, and go to therapy if need be but break that cycle and do not pass on something like this to your children and their children. Just do your best!
The Thrive Team is here for you when you need that extra push or support. Thrive for Life Counseling is committed to empowering individuals and families to live their best lives. Schedule a session if and when need be, just make sure your child doesn’t grow up in the same environment with the same negative thoughts and feelings as you. Just some food for thought as a 17-year-old who lived with an emotionally immature parent and wants to break the cycle for my future kids as well as others. Start your journey toward a healthier, more fulfilling life with Thrive for Life Counseling—your path to wellness begins here.
Abby Wisthoff is an intern at Thrive for Life Counseling. She is an avid writer with a passion for exploring and analyzing various psychology topics.
References
Biehlmeier, A. (2024, July 3). Understanding Emotionally Immature Parents: Signs and Solutions — InnerDynamics Map. Antoinette Biehlmeier. Retrieved August 28, 2024, from https://www.innerdynamicsmap.com/articles/emotionally-immature-parents
Emotionally Immature Parents: What They Are, Types and Signs. (n.d.). Attachment Project. Retrieved August 28, 2024, from https://www.attachmentproject.com/psychology/emotionally-immature-parents/
Impact of Being Raised by Emotionally Immature Parents on Your Mental Health. (2023, August 15). Anchor Light Therapy Collective. Retrieved August 28, 2024, from https://anchorlighttherapy.com/impact-of-emotionally-immature-parents/