How to Solve Your Solvable Relationship Problems: A Guide to Healthy Communication
Understanding Conflict in Relationships
Conflict is a natural part of any intimate relationship, but not all conflicts are created equal. Some problems can be resolved with open communication, while others are deeply rooted in fundamental differences between partners. According to Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship expert, 69% of all relationship conflicts are about perpetual problems—issues that will never completely go away (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Recognizing whether a problem is solvable or perpetual is key to maintaining a healthy relationship and avoiding emotional disengagement.
In this blog, we will explore the differences between solvable, perpetual, and gridlocked problems and offer practical strategies to help couples manage conflict effectively.
The Three Types of Relationship Problems
Solvable Problems Solvable problems are typically situational and do not carry deeper emotional weight. These issues may include disagreements over household chores, disciplining children, or frequency of intimacy. With healthy communication, compromise, and problem-solving strategies, couples can resolve these conflicts and move forward.
Perpetual Problems Unlike solvable problems, perpetual problems stem from fundamental differences in personality, values, or lifestyle. Every couple has these ongoing challenges, whether it’s differing views on finances, parenting styles, or social habits. While they can’t be “solved,” they can be managed through understanding, humor, and open dialogue to prevent them from becoming a bigger issue.
Gridlocked Perpetual Problems Gridlocked problems occur when couples mishandle perpetual issues, leading to recurring conflict with no resolution. Partners may feel unheard, rejected, and stuck in a cycle of frustration. Over time, these conflicts can foster resentment, emotional distance, and even loneliness in the relationship.
Signs That a Relationship Problem is Gridlocked
If you and your partner experience any of the following, you may be dealing with a gridlocked issue:
Conversations about the problem always lead to frustration, hurt feelings, or arguments.
Both partners feel rejected and unheard.
No compromise seems possible, and both partners are unwilling to budge.
Discussing the issue triggers criticism, contempt, or defensiveness.
The same argument resurfaces repeatedly without progress.
Over time, interactions become more hostile, and emotional distance increases.
How to Break Free from Gridlocked Conflict
The good news is that gridlock can be overcome with intentional effort, mutual understanding, and sometimes professional support. Here are steps to help couples move forward:
Recognize the Real Issue: Most gridlocked problems stem from unrealized personal dreams. Reflect on what deeper needs, values, or aspirations might be driving the conflict.
Engage in Meaningful Dialogue: Instead of trying to “win” the argument, seek to understand your partner’s perspective and express your own needs without blame.
Practice Acceptance and Humor: Learn to laugh, show affection, and find lighthearted moments in difficult conversations.
Seek Professional Support: If gridlocked conflicts continue, working with a therapist can help uncover deeper emotional needs and provide tools to navigate ongoing differences.
Find Support for Your Relationship Through Virtual Therapy
If you and your partner are struggling with communication, conflict resolution, or emotional connection, therapy can help. At Thrive for Life Counseling, we offer 100% virtual therapy sessions for individuals and couples in Indiana, Illinois, Florida, and New Jersey. Our experienced therapists specialize in couples therapy, anxiety, depression, ADHD, therapy for teens, counseling for children, and pre- and postpartum support.
Take the first step toward healthier communication and a stronger relationship. Contact Thrive for Life Counseling today to schedule a consultation or appointment.
References: Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Three Rivers Press.