Healing from Infidelity: A Step-by-Step Guide to Rebuilding Trust and Recommitting to Your Relationship
Recovering from the trauma of infidelity is an emotionally challenging journey that requires dedication, honesty, and professional support. Whether the betrayal is emotional or physical, the healing process demands time, effort, and weekly therapy sessions to navigate the complex layers of hurt and rebuilding. This blog outlines the six key phases of healing after an affair—assessment, trust building, creating understanding, forgiveness, recommitment, and building protective factors. Understanding each phase can help couples overcome the deep wounds of infidelity and start their path toward renewed commitment and a stronger relationship.
Healing is broken into 6 major phases: assessment, trust building, creating understanding and meaning, forgiveness, recommitment and building protective factors. Let's take a look at what each phase looks like. There is no time limit on any of the phases and the progression through the phases may not be linear. For more details on homework assignments, please see What Homework Looks Like For A Couple Healing From The Trauma Of Infidelity?
The 4 Assessment Sessions
At the first session I meet with the couple together and they provide me with a thorough history of their relationship going all the way back to when and how they met, their first date, their decision to commit to each other, the proposal, the wedding, the honeymoon, when the children came along, the good times, the difficult times and their strength as a couple. I also encourage the couple to take the online Gottman Relationship Check Up assessment as that is a great indicator as to which protective factors we will need to focus on during the building protective factors phase.
At the next session, I meet with the betrayed partner alone. At this session I am assessing symptoms of trauma, mood (particularly anxiety and anger), teaching therapeutic deep breathing and anger management techniques (if needed), assessing family of origin and immediate family issues, other relationship issues, friendships, support systems and individual strengths.
At the 3rd session, I meet with the partner who has stepped outside of the primary relationship. At this session the assessment looks very similar to that of the betrayed partner. I also spend a good amount of time talking with the betraying partner about the history and details of the affair.
At the couples feedback and goal setting session, I provide the couple with professional feedback based on their initial session, each individual session and the Gottman Relationship assessment. This includes what they are doing well, potential areas to improve upon and specific goals that will be addressed during couples therapy.
Trust Building Phase
At the beginning of the trust building phase, I ask that the betraying partner provide proof to the betrayed partner that the affair is over. I discuss communication ground rules including not discussing the affair with others and triggers. The betrayed partner chooses the trust building behaviors that he or she needs from the betrayer to begin building trust. The betraying partner also prepares his or her chronological confession for the Slippery Slope Confession Session. Each partner also prepares their Impact Statement and reads it to their partner in session. Lastly, the therapist asks the betrayed partner to scale his or her level of trust on a scale from 1 to 10.
Creating Understanding and Meaning Phase
This phase of therapy is designed to help couples understand why the affair happened. I asked the betrayed why she or he strayed and we do a deep dive into many of the possible reasons including primary relationship factors, individual factors, family of origin factors, external factors and the degree to which the betrayer was pursued and/or groomed by the affair partner. I also ask each partner why they are staying in the primary relationship.
The Forgiveness Phase
The forgiveness phase begins with explaining what an apology is and what it isn’t. I then meet with each partner individually. When meeting with the betrayed partner I ask whether he or she is ready for this step and if they can accept their partner’s apology. This does NOT mean they must forgive their partner just yet. That can take a very long time. I then meet with the betraying partner to talk about what he or she needs to include and exclude from their formal apology to the hurting partner.
After the couple completes the formal apology session, I begin talking about forgiveness. I talk about the myths and mistaken assumptions about forgiveness. I explain what forgiveness is and what it isn’t. I make the distinction between non-forgiveness, cheap forgiveness, the stages of genuine forgiveness and the stages of self-forgiveness. Lastly, the therapist asks each partner to scale their level of forgiveness on a scale from 1 to 10.
Recommitment Phase
Once the couple is on their way to forgiveness. I talk about how the couple will recommit to each other and their NEW relationship. I talk about values and their vision of the new relationship. I also talk about reclaiming people, places and things tarnished by the affair.
I ask the couple to create an agreed upon definition of fidelity and infidelity. I ask them to discuss the boundaries of their new relationship, the warning signs of future infidelity, how they will alert the other partner if a betrayal has occurred, what they learned about their biggest vulnerabilities and opportunities for a betrayal. The last step in this phase is for the couple to write their new monogamy agreement.
Building Protective Factors Phase
In this last phase of therapy, which looks more like traditional couples therapy, the focus is on building protective factors into the new relationship. This includes increasing love maps, deepening fondness and admiration, increasing bidding and turning towards behaviors, reducing emotional disengagement/loneliness, improving communication (soft start-ups, eliminating the 4 horsemen, reducing flooding, accepting influence, compromising, increasing positive sentiment, using repair attempts, eliminating gridlock on perpetual issues), handling external stress together, having fun again, building rituals of connection and improving the romance, passion, quality and frequency of sex.
Healing from infidelity takes time, patience, and expert guidance. Each phase—from assessment to trust building, forgiveness, and recommitment—is essential to creating a healthier, more resilient relationship. If you and your partner are ready to begin this journey, Thrive for Life Counseling offers virtual therapy services tailored to your needs. Marilyn Verbiscer is a Level 3 Gottman Trained Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who specialize in couples therapy, anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns, and can support clients in Indiana, Illinois, and Florida. Reach out today for a consultation or appointment, and let us help you heal and rebuild your relationship through personalized, compassionate care.