Forgiveness: What Is It?
Forgiveness is a transformative process that offers profound benefits for personal and relational well-being. Whether in individual therapy, couples therapy, or family counseling, understanding and embracing forgiveness can be a cornerstone of emotional healing and growth. At Thrive for Life Counseling, we specialize in helping clients navigate complex emotions and rebuild trust through virtual therapy services. This blog, written by Marilyn Verbiscer, LMFT, explores the essence of forgiveness, its misconceptions, and its role in fostering healthier relationships. Read on to discover how forgiveness can be a powerful tool for emotional liberation and connection.
Forgiveness, as defined by Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, is the act of giving up resentment or the desire to punish, choosing instead to pardon and release anger. While it is often perceived as a gift to the person being forgiven, forgiveness is ultimately a gift to oneself.
According to Jacqui Bishop, a therapist, and her co-author Mary Grunte, a registered nurse, forgiveness is less about the forgiven and more about the forgiver’s journey toward peace. It involves consciously letting go of a fixed negative attitude toward someone. True forgiveness is achieved when the memory of the incident no longer carries an emotional charge. Linda Currant and Michele Weiner-Davis, both therapists, emphasize that forgiveness is not a feeling—it’s a deliberate, conscious choice.
The benefits of forgiveness extend primarily to the forgiver. Bishop and Grunte liken the burden of unresolved resentment to a 50-pound weight that is lifted when forgiveness is granted. Meanwhile, the offending party often continues their life unaffected, regardless of whether they are forgiven.
The Process of Forgiveness
Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher on relationships, highlights the importance of mutual accountability in fostering forgiveness. For healing to take place, both the betrayer and the hurt party must take specific steps.
Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring outlines key responsibilities for the betrayer:
Bear witness to the pain caused.
Apologize sincerely and non-defensively.
Seek to understand their behavior.
Reveal the dishonorable truth about their actions.
Work consistently to rebuild trust and forgive themselves.
Similarly, the hurt party has responsibilities:
Create opportunities for the offender to make amends.
Openly share their pain with the offender.
Acknowledge positive steps taken by the offender.
Ultimately, the hurt party must decide whether to offer cheap forgiveness, genuine forgiveness, non-forgiveness, or self-forgiveness.
Myths About Forgiveness
There are two common myths about forgiveness:
Forgiveness Equals Condoning the Behavior: Linda Currant clarifies that forgiveness does not condone harmful actions. Instead, it separates the person from their behavior. Forgiving acknowledges that the deed was wrong, but it releases the emotional hold it has over the forgiver.
Forgiveness Equals Reconciliation: Dr. Harry Aponte, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explains that reconciliation and forgiveness are distinct processes. While forgiveness opens the door to reconciliation, it does not mandate it. Reconciliation should occur only when it is safe, prudent, and in the best interest of all parties.
Drs. Robert Enright and Richard Freedman assert that reconciliation is the offender’s responsibility and involves acknowledging wrongdoing and making amends. Forgiveness, however, is complete when the offended party relinquishes feelings of hatred or resentment, regardless of whether the relationship is restored.
Finally, Dr. Case, a marriage and family therapist, reminds us that forgiveness is not a commitment to remain in a relationship. It is simply a decision to allow healing to take place.
Forgiveness is a powerful tool for personal and relational healing, offering a path to emotional freedom and renewed connections. Whether you're navigating the complexities of individual challenges or seeking harmony in your relationships, the therapists at Thrive for Life Counseling are here to help. Our virtual therapy services are available to residents of Indiana, Illinois, Florida, New Hampshire, and New Jersey. We accept most major insurance plans, making therapy accessible and convenient.
Take the first step toward healing and growth—schedule a consultation or appointment today. Together, we can help you embrace forgiveness and create a brighter, healthier future.
Citations
Jacqui Bishop and Mary Grunte
Authors of How to Forgive When You Don’t Know How, which explores the psychological process of forgiveness.
Linda Curran
Therapist focusing on the distinction between forgiving a person and condoning actions.
Michelle Weiner-Davis
Therapist specializing in relationship dynamics and forgiveness strategies.
Dr. John Gottman
Relationship expert known for his research on trust, forgiveness, and commitment.
Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring
Author of How Can I Forgive You?, outlining practical steps for forgiveness.
Dr. Harry J. Aponte
Licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in the separation of forgiveness and reconciliation.
Dr. Robert D. Enright and Dr. Richard P. Freedman
Researchers on forgiveness psychology, emphasizing the offender’s role in reconciliation.
Dr. Case
Marriage and family therapist discussing forgiveness as a personal healing decision.