Forgiveness: Types, Benefits, and Challenges in Relationships

Forgiveness is a powerful, transformative process that impacts our emotional and physical well-being, our relationships, and our personal growth. Whether in couples therapy, individual counseling, or virtual therapy sessions, forgiveness is a frequent topic for those seeking healing and connection. Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, renowned psychologist and author, identifies four types of forgiveness—non-forgiveness, cheap forgiveness, genuine forgiveness, and self-forgiveness—each with unique characteristics, benefits, and challenges. In this blog, we’ll explore these types, offering insights for anyone seeking to understand how forgiveness can foster growth and improve mental health.

Non-Forgiveness

Non-forgiveness is a decision to continue to punish the offender and reject reconciliation, even if that decision punishes the hurt party.  It is a reactive, rigid and compulsive response.  

Non-forgivers also have certain characteristics.  They often jump to conclusions and harbor grudges forever.  They cut themselves off from those who hurt them without wrestling with the truth about what actually happened.  An apology is never good enough to warrant letting go of the offense.  They take comfort in the role of victim and fail to see that the injury was something they may have been partly responsible for.  They dream of ways of crushing their opponent and fill their time with retaliatory fantasies that make them feel powerful, superior and in control.

There are a few advantages of choosing to not forgive.  It makes the hurt party feel invulnerable, restores the hurt party’s pride and it replaces emptiness inside with a surge of elation.  It lets them blame others for their own failings. 

The disadvantages of not forgiving are numerous.  It cuts the hurt party off from life and leaves him or her stewing in their own hostile juices.  It also cuts the hurt party off from any dialogue with the offender and any positive resolution of the conflict.  It cuts the hurt party off from any opportunity for personal growth and understanding.  It may make the hurt party feel less empty, but it poisons them physically and emotionally and cuts them off from life.  Not forgiving is not healthy.  Michele Weiner-Davis, a well published therapist, adds that the betrayed can not feel good because he or she is too busy being angry and that non-forgiveness can imprison the hurt party that way.

Cheap Forgiveness

Cheap forgiveness is a quick and easy pardon with no process of emotion and no coming to terms with the injury.  It is premature, superficial, undeserved and unconditional.  It is a compulsive attempt at peacekeeping and a gratuitous gift for which the hurt party asks nothing in return. 

 This could be the busy mom of 4 who has a family to raise, has a full job, is caring for her elderly parents and thinks that cheap forgiveness will allow her to move forward with her life.  Battered women also tend to engage in cheap forgiveness out of a desire to make amends with the abuser.  

There are identifiable patterns of those who engage in cheap forgiveness.  They compulsively seek to repair relationships regardless of circumstances or their feelings.  They repress or deny the violation.  They feel powerless and quickly pardon the offender as a way of asserting power.  They fail to know their anger or despair and fail to voice their objections or needs.  They are peacekeepers and conflict avoiders.  They often engage in conflict avoidance because they fear the offender will retaliate with anger or violence or reject or abandon them.  They also fear hurting the offender’s feelings if they do not forgive quickly.

There are actually some advantages to engaging in cheap forgiveness.  Cheap forgiveness keeps the hurt party connected to the offender and may even preserve the relationship with the offender.  It also may also help the hurt party feel good about himself or herself, even righteous and superior. 

Of course cheap forgiveness does not come without its disadvantages.  It will squash any opportunity to develop a more intimate bond between the betrayer and the betrayed.  It may make the hurt party feel morally superior to the offender.  It may give the transgressor a green light to continue mistreating the hurt party and it may make the hurt party emotionally and/or physically sick. 

Genuine Forgiveness

On the other hand, genuine forgiveness is a hard-won transaction, an intimate dance between 2 people bound together by an interpersonal violation.  As the offender works hard to foster forgiveness through genuine, generous acts of repentance and restitution, the hurt party works hard to let go of resentment and the need for retribution.  Genuine forgiveness is conditional and it requires a transfer of vigilance for future betrayals to the betrayer. 

Linda Curran, a therapist, has identified 5 stages of genuine forgiveness.  They include the following:

Stage 1:  Identify The Perpetrator and The Transgression.  In this stage, the forgiver can identify who it was that has affected him or her negatively. The forgiver also identifies the specific behavior(s) that has been physically, emotionally, or spiritually damaging.

Stage 2:  Identify, Experience and Process The Emotions.  The forgiver has felt the emotions associated with the offensive, damaging behavior and has found a safe place to process those feelings.  If it was safe to do so, the forgiver has spoken to the person regarding the adverse effects endured as a result of the offender’s behavior.  If it was not safe to do so, the forgiver was able to do it in therapy.

Stage 3:  Understand The Need For Forgiveness.  In Stage 3, the forgiver understands the benefits of forgiveness and has begun developing compassion for the self. 

Stage 4:  Set Clear Boundaries.  The forgiver has set clear boundaries with the perpetrator.  The forgiver understands the need for and their right to protect the self.  The forgiver feels competent in setting and maintaining these boundaries to be physically and emotionally safe.

Stage 5:  Integrate The Past and Begin Recreating The Future.  In this stage, the forgiver has made an internal choice to forgive and has a willingness to recreate a meaningful life for the self.

Self-Forgiveness

According to Jacqui Bishop (a therapist) and her co-author, Mary Grunte (a registered nurse) the toughest forgiveness challenge may not be to forgive those who have wronged us, but to forgive ourselves for wronging them.  Dr. Abrahams-Spring has said that to obtain genuine self-forgiveness, the forgiver must transcend through the 5 stages of self-forgiveness below.

Stage 1 - Self-Confrontation.  The betrayer confronts the wrong he or she did and the harm he or she caused.  The betrayer strips away all rationalizations, justifications and excuses and tries to pry open the truth.   

Stage 2 - Self-Appraisal.  The betrayer sharply criticizes his or her words and actions, knowing that he or she violated another person and failed to represent the self at his or her best.  The offending party must put what he or she did in perspective, acknowledge that he or she is more than the transgression and identify those aspects of the self that he or she values.  As he or she fosters forgiveness, he or she reminds the self that the efforts to make amends are also part of who he or she is and what he or she is capable of.

Stage 3 - Self-Compassion.  The betrayed probes the reasons for his or her behavior, uncovering all the factors such as the stressors, personality traits, biological influences and life experiences that add up to the person he or she is today.  This self-scrutiny is meant to help the offender feel more compassion for the self and open the door to change. 

Stage 4 - Self-Transformation.  The offender does what he or she can to make good, directly to the person he or she harmed, whenever possible.  The tasks include confronting his or her own resistance to fostering forgiveness, paying attention to the pain that was caused, apologizing genuinely (non-defensively, responsibly and repeatedly), unveiling the truth about the betrayer’s behavior(s), what the truth says about him or her and working to earn trust from the hurt partner.  

Stage 5 - Self-Integration.  The betrayer accepts that he or she can never make right what he or she did wrong, but the betrayer allows his or her acts of repentance and repair to transform the way he or she feels, knows and treats the self.  The betrayer does not necessarily replace feelings of self-hate with self-love, but he or she gives the self permission and causes them to feel less estranged from the self.  The betrayer continues to accept culpability for the misdeeds, but gives up the need to continually punish and despise the self for them.  The betrayer strives to create a new life narrative that incorporates the transgression, but in a way that adds meaning and purpose to his or her life.  As the betrayer releases those he or she hurt from their pain, the betrayer releases the self from his or her own pain.

According to the author and psychologist, Dr. Shirley Glass, while the preceding stages largely refer to the betrayer, it can also be difficult for the betrayed partner to forgive himself or herself for choosing an imperfect partner.

Forgiveness is not just an act but a journey, offering the opportunity to heal relationships and strengthen personal resilience. Whether navigating non-forgiveness, working toward genuine forgiveness, or grappling with self-forgiveness, having the guidance of a skilled therapist can make a profound difference. At Thrive for Life Counseling, our team of experienced therapists is here to support you. We provide 100% virtual therapy via phone or video for clients in Indiana, Illinois, Florida, New Hampshire, and New Jersey. Thrive accepts most major insurance plans, making high-quality counseling services more accessible than ever.

If you’re ready to explore forgiveness or other areas of personal growth, contact Thrive for Life Counseling to schedule a consultation or appointment today. Together, we can help you move forward toward a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Citations:

• Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring: Author of How Can I Forgive You? and a leading psychologist specializing in forgiveness and relationships.

• Michele Weiner-Davis: Therapist and author known for her work in couples therapy, particularly The Divorce Remedy.

• Linda Curran: Therapist and author with expertise in trauma therapy and the stages of healing.

• Jacqui Bishop and Mary Grunte: Co-authors of works addressing forgiveness and self-healing, bringing psychological and medical perspectives.

• Dr. Shirley Glass: Renowned psychologist and author of Not "Just Friends", a foundational work in understanding trust and betrayal in relationships.