Flirting, Dating and Kissing: Thoughts from a Couples Therapist
In any long-term relationship, it's easy to get caught up in the daily grind, forgetting the little things that keep the connection alive. However, nurturing that bond is essential for sustaining a healthy, fulfilling partnership. As a seasoned couples therapist, I've seen firsthand how small, intentional acts of affection can make a significant difference. In this post, I’ll share some practical advice on flirting, dating, and kissing that can help keep the spark alive in your relationship, regardless of how long you’ve been together.
Do Not Forget To Flirt!
When was the last time you flirted with your partner? Just because you are in a long term committed relationship does not mean you do not need to flirt with your partner. That just might be when flirting is most needed in the relationship. Flirting is pretty easy. Try:
Winking at your partner from across the room at a party.
Surprising her with flowers.
Bringing him coffee in bed in the morning.
Sending flirty texts to each other throughout the week.
Telling her one thing that you really love about her before bed.
Looking at him, smiling, waiting and holding his gaze for a few moments.
Or offering a compliment about how wonderful she looks.
It is in these small, simple moments of connection that your relationship will flourish. Remember, small things often.
Never Stop Dating Your Wife
Much like flirting, dating is not something you only do at the beginning of your relationship. It is important for the couple to date for the rest of their relationship. A date does not need to be dinner every Saturday night at 7p at a fancy restaurant. The couples that I was working with during the pandemic quickly learned that wine and cheese in front of the fireplace after the kids went to bed or coffee on the balcony every Sunday morning while the kids were watching cartoons was more meaningful than an expensive Italian dinner bill. Here are a few quick rules about good dating:
No electronics.
No kids.
No other adults on a regular basis. Double dates are fine from time to time.
No errand running…it just doesn’t count as special 1 on 1 time.
While your kids may fuss and cry when you leave them with the babysitter, know that your children are really counting on you to continue to care for your relationship as it is the foundation to their family…and their entire world.
For great date ideas, please see the Date Night handout that is available for sale on this website!
Enjoy a 6 Second Kiss Each Day
Don’t get me wrong, a quick peck on the cheek on your way out the door in the morning is nice but mindful kisses are more intentional and less of an automatic reflex.
Dr. John Gottman says that a 6 second kiss is long enough to make a moment of connection with our partner. It stops the busyness in your brain and puts your focus on your partner at that moment. There are lots of ways to connect with your partner, but I think the 6 second kiss is the easiest. It provides a simple physical connection to your partner to help you feel close to him or her without complicated communication, listening, or problem-solving. Another great benefit is that kissing can reduce cortisol (the “stress” hormone) and boost oxytocin (the “love” hormone). Oxytocin is the same bonding hormone that is transmitted from mother to baby during breastfeeding. Lastly, parents are models for their children. They model how to be an adult, how to be a spouse and how to be a parent. Go ahead, let the children see you and your partner kissing…children derive a lot of comfort from seeing that mom and dad still love each other even when they respond with “ewwwwwwww, gross, stop that!”
Conclusion
Maintaining intimacy in a relationship doesn’t require grand gestures or elaborate plans; often, it’s the small, consistent efforts that count the most. Whether it’s a flirty wink across the room, a simple date night at home, or a six-second kiss before heading out the door, these actions can foster a deeper connection with your partner. By making these moments a priority, you not only strengthen your relationship but also set a positive example for any children in your life, showing them the value of love, connection, and commitment.
Marilyn Verbiscer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Thrive for Life Counseling, a 100% virtual therapy practice seeing clients in Illinois, Indiana, Florida. As a Level 3 Gottman Trained therapist, Marilyn is well equipped to help couples navigate relationship challenges.