Beware of Sneaky Avoidance in Your Relationships
Avoidance is a natural response to discomfort, but it can sneak up on us in ways that undermine our relationships and personal growth. Whether it's dodging an unpleasant conversation, steering clear of certain people, or avoiding unresolved issues, this behavior can create more problems than it solves. At Thrive for Life Counseling, we're dedicated to helping individuals recognize and address these patterns. In this blog, we'll explore how sneaky avoidance can take control of your life and relationships, and offer practical strategies to break free from its grip.
Avoidance may feel good in the moment because it puts uncomfortable feelings such as anger or anxiety temporarily on hold. But what you avoid will control you. Here is an example of that. You do not like Uncle Bill but you agree to go to a bar-b-que where you know Uncle Bill will probably be. You think it will be ok because when Uncle Bill shows up, you can just go down stairs and play Euchre with your cousins. Sure enough, Uncle Bill shows up at the party and you avoid him by going downstairs. Thirty minutes later, Uncle Bill comes down stairs to get a gold beer. So, you leave your Euchre game and go outside to help man the grill. When you hear the back door open, you see Uncle Bill coming outside to grab a hotdog and potato salad. So you go inside to chat with Grandma Pearl. Pretty soon, here comes Uncle Bill looking for a place to sit down and eat and he eyes a seat next to Grandma Pearl too. So, it looks like you spent the majority of your time avoiding Uncle Bill and not enjoying the bar-b-que. Your need to avoid Uncle Bill controlled you. This is a common pattern and it is played out with not only relatives but friends, neighbors and colleagues. It shows up in intimate relationships in some sneaky yet predictable ways too.
Mind Reading
Do not expect someone to read your mind…communicate clearly instead! Many female partners have said to me something like “wouldn’t you think he would know to grab the empty milk glass off of the end table and put it in the dishwasher?”. My reply is always “no”. The female partner is assuming that her male partner thinks just like her 24/7 or that he can read her mind. Neither are correct assumptions. Instead, the female partner needs to communicate what she wants or needs whether it is a hug, a pile of laundry to be folded, $50 to go shopping, carry out, etc, instead of avoiding a potential argument around chores.
The Past
Do not dismiss events that happened in the past because they happened 10 years ago. It is common for a client to say to me “My partner keeps bringing up the past. I wish she would just let it go. It happened 10 years ago. I keep telling her to leave it in the past but she keeps bringing it up. That’s why she can’t get over it. My response generally goes like this “If your partner is continuing to bring it up, it is clearly NOT in the past. It is probably better to deal with the issue, head on, as a couple than continuing to advocate to avoid it. I do not think avoiding it is working for you”.
Child Centered and Work Centered
Do not allow yourself to become child centered or work centered. Both are fairly common, toxic and could damage your relationship with your significant other. Being child centered or work centered steals time away from the couple and allows them to be problem avoidant or conflict avoidant. At some point, the kids will be gone and the couple will be enjoying retirement, as it should be. You don’t want to spend those precious golden years staring at 4 walls and wondering who that other person in the room is. Be partner centered. Don’t sleep with the kids, don’t let the kids sleep with you, date your partner, do other things to show everyone that your partner is a priority. Your kids (and your adult children) are counting on that.
Conclusion
Recognizing and confronting avoidance behavior is crucial for healthier, more fulfilling relationships. By addressing issues head-on—whether it's communicating clearly with your partner, dealing with past grievances, or prioritizing your relationship over other distractions—you can regain control and truly enjoy the moments that matter. At Thrive for Life Counseling, we're here to support you in this journey, helping you navigate the challenges of avoidance so you can lead a more connected and intentional life.
Marilyn Verbiscer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Thrive for Life Counseling, a 100% virtual therapy practice seeing clients in Illinois, Indiana, Florida. As a Level 3 Gottman Trained therapist, Marilyn is well equipped to help couples navigate relationship challenges.